Similes

They even sound like this, that's how amazing they are

Similes are as sweet as sugar coated cherry pie dripping with amaretto, floating in a swimming pool filled with treacle and high-class hookers. They are like waking up on a sunny day, sandwiched between Angelina Jolie and Carmen Electra in 2005, before the wrinkles set in and the economy collapsed. They have the ability to transform the most mundane of sentences into a piece of art similar to Monet screwing Van Gogh and splurging the resultant man-dew over every wall, canvas and instillation in the Louvre.  Similes rock the literary World so hard that listening to them is like bearing witness to the greatest festival on Earth, resplendent with exploding pyrotechnics, free-floating inflatable pigs and every greatest band ever; all performing at the same time. They conduct themselves with as much dignity as Ghandi visiting a brothel. In this review, they receive as many points out of ten as the cloud I am on just thinking about them.