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This is a blog which aims to finally put everything in its place. For too long have the more trivial and mundane aspects, products and people who infiltrate our lives gone un-critiqued. The same can unfortunately be said for the majestic, awe-inspiring creations and natural wonders of this universe of which we may feel too small and insignificant to pass judgement upon. This is where the uncertainty ends my friends. Henceforth, everything shall be reviewed in the same manner with which everything else is treated.

Friday 25 November 2011

Poe: Macabre Resurrections in 3D

Quoth the raven, "Get me a better resolution image"
It's not very often often I go to the cinema these days. The thought of spending so much money to drag myself from my comfort zone and sit in the same room as those I spend my life avoiding seems contentious at best, and is one I often allow to rest somewhere between my opinion on the latest football results and whether or not brussels sprouts actually come from Brussels. Although I would never willingly admit to downloading or streaming pirated copies of films on the internet, suffice to say between the possibility of such an occurrence and the existence of Kermode and Mayo's Friday film review (which everybody should listen to, if not just to casually eavesdrop on two married men flirting outrageously with each other) I find myself happy to peruse the latest films from the comfort of my home computer. However, there comes a point when one feels they should at least give the arts a sporting chance on their home territory, especially if one is offered a free ticket to such an event. Well, it would be rude not to wouldn't it?

And so it was I found myself venturing out of my house last Friday to St Mary's Church in Stoke Newington and let me tell you, deep into the darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing; "Jesus Christ it's freezing out here, I hope they've got some fucking heaters in there." Now I don't know about you lot, but last time I went to a cinema it was a nice, warm, welcoming building. There was neon lights out the front with big letters reminding me what I was going in to see and the smell of hot buttery popcorn floated from the inside charioted by the winged angels of overpriced hotdogs. For those of you expecting the same treatment, I can only say, don't bother. In a bizarre twist of seasonal brodcasting this screening is only being shown in a rundown old church in the middle of November. Luckily, they have a bar inside where esteemed reviewers such as myself are handed out stomach-warming glasses of plonk and ale for free, although I do believe the plebs are expected to pay a cursory amount.

3D makes everything better
First impressions on entering the church ranged from mild discomfort at the prospect of sitting on a wooden pew for the entirety of the showing to confused bewilderment at the lack of a screen on which I  have come to expect films to be projected onto. How surprised I was then when the show started to actually see a man characterising a priest beginning the show. Of course, I realised, this must be that new-fangled 3D technology I have heard so much about, although I was sure one required special glasses for the effect to work. How times must have changed! It was almost as if the actor were physically there on stage, so real did he seem. The screen must have been some specially woven poly-fibres undetectable by the human eye covering the entirety of the space I was sat in, for I almost believed this same man walked right down the aisle past me on more than one occasion.

And thus the show began. What a shock I received when from the dark pulpit emerged a bald vulture like figure interrupting the priest's speech to recite one of my favourite of Poe's works, The Raven, perfectly represented in the true Edgar Allen Poe style. This, unfortunately, was the high point of the evenings proceedings. From there, it descended into a modern reworking of the Cask of Amontillado, where I was actually expected to rise from my seat and follow the screen around to the entrance. Now, I may be regarded as an old fuddy duddy by some of you younger readers, but I believe that if I am expected to pay to enter a premises to watch a film (which, incidentally, I didn't) I should not have to suffer the indignity of having to get off my arse and actively partake in the viewing. Although the more 'hip' individuals with which I was having to find myself in close proximity to seemed to find this a novel and exciting interactive experience I most certainly did not. I didn't share the damp and cold trenches of Versailles fighting off those damn Krauts to be shepherded around like common cattle in a place of entertainment 60 years later.

Sergeant Edmund Horse-Twattersly
The final blow for me was the 're-imagining' of The Pit And The Pendulum. The bare-faced cheek of that young upstart of a director to allow some young ruffian to destroy Poe's masterpiece was more than I could take, and by golly did I let my feelings be known. I stormed past the audience and loudly muttered "I didn't come here to watch some filthy Arab ruin my hero's work", at the top of my lungs, which admittedly was no more than a hoarse mutter after years of shouting my overblown opinions at the crass commercialised rubbish that passes for television these days. Hah! Modern masterpiece my left foot. Let me tell you I stormed straight home and wrote a strongly worded letter of reproach to the Daily Mail.

Editors Note: The feelings and words expressed above are not those of mine. They are of the right honourable local Tory councillor Sergeant Edmund Horse-Twattersly who heard of my blog and asked me if I would allow him to write a piece on it. I was at the exact same show he was and had a great time; superb acting all round, brilliant writing and incredibly innovative uses of space came together to provide a perfect night of entertainment. 
If you want to see the show for yourself, tickets are available at www.churchstreettheatre.com and showings are Tuesdays - Sundays, 8pm till later, St. Mary's Old Church, Church St. Stoke Newington N16 9ES